I spend a lot of time on the internet and I’ve come across all manner of sexual fetishes or paraphilias as they are sometimes called. Most of them are pretty tame. Some of them are bizarre and disturbing. And still others are… thought provoking.

A vorarephiliac is someone who is aroused by the thought of eating their partner’s flesh. That’s right, cannibalism. But I wonder if there are any vorarephiliacs who incorporate forks and napkins and barbecue sauce into their fetish. And if the person is on a diet, do they fantasize about their partner being a midget?

Spectrophiliacs are attracted to ghosts, but I wonder if they are really just attracted to Patrick Swayze. If not, do they get turned on at Klan rallies? It must be frustrating, knowing the closest they’ll ever get to fulfilling their fantasy is fucking a guy wearing a sheet with three holes cut in it.

Xenophilia is a sexual attraction to strangers. This one I understand completely; having sex with someone you’ve never met before can be really exciting. But it must make for some awkward moments if you have Alzheimer’s, especially when your family comes around to visit. “Dad, why did Grandma ask you if you had ever eaten at the Y?”

These are the things I stay up at night thinking about when my brain will not shut up and I’m out of vodka.

I love it when crazy shit happens. The larger the human population grows, the more crazy shit happens every day and we should revel in it. It makes life interesting and lets us appreciate the relative calm of our day-to-day existence.

Hopefully though, we’re not as calm as the brain-dead zombie on Prozac in the cubicle next to us. You know, the guy who spent the last seventeen years filing insurance forms and growing a Homer Simpson Chia Pet. There’s a big difference between relatively calm and so mind-numbingly dull you want to stab them in the eye with a pen just to see if they blink.

Everyone should have at least one crazy story to tell. If you don’t, you’re too fucking calm. You need a little insanity in your life. And once in a while, we all need a whole bunch of it just to shake things up and clear the Etch-a-Sketch so we can start scribbling anew. I suggest a healthy exploration into psychedelic drugs. They’ve always worked for me. But there’s nothing like the antics of a complete fucking lunatic to recalibrate our reality meter.

Let’s say an escaped mental patient wearing a Hello Kitty Halloween mask hijacks a bus full of special-ed students and takes off down the freeway at high speed. But, after a couple miles of retards screaming in his ear, he can’t take it anymore and drives off an overpass, crashing into a gasoline tanker and the whole mess explodes in a fireball right in front of you on your way to work. Now, that’s a day you’ll remember for the rest of your life thanks to one nutball and his addled brain.

We don’t like to admit it, but most of us are self-centered assholes and that’s okay. We love to watch tragedies and that’s okay too. It makes us grateful for the lives we have, no matter how shitty they are. I’ll bet there isn’t a guy out there who could honestly say he hasn’t sat around with his buddies, drinking a few beers and said, “You know, I might be 20 pounds overweight with 3 screaming kids and a wife who won’t fuck me, but at least I wasn’t eviscerated by a combine harvester while I was hiding in a corn field with my cock in a chicken like the Davidson’s half-inbred farmhand Jeb.”

Perhaps some of you readers are thinking “Stuff like that isn’t funny. It’s tragic and you’re making light of it.” Well, yeah. Reality is tragic and humor is how we deal with it. We laugh, because there is nothing else we can do. The universe is infinite in its creative potential, which means it can be extraordinarily beautiful and awe-inspiring, but also fantastically cruel and horrifying; like watching a magnificent supernova destroy an entire solar system or a gorgeous super model taking a violent shit in a gas station toilet.

We laugh, because we know we will never understand how it all works. Nuns get eaten by pit bulls, boy scouts get tossed into wood chippers and entire families get turned into crispy bacon strips by bored, teenage pyromaniacs. It’s no one’s plan and no one’s will. The universe is just a crazy fucking place and human beings are crazy amplifiers.

Now get out of the way, because it’s my turn on the Tilt-a-Whirl.

Nothing in this world is black and white. Our lives are full of vagaries. How many grains of sand does to take to make a beach? How many dollars does it take to make a person rich? How many loads of cum dripping off a girl’s chin does it take to make a bukkake film? Some questions you just can’t answer.